you're the only one

This weekend went by entirely too fast

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 00:33:47 GMT

Dan flew in for the weekend, which was wonderful. The problem is, he didn't get home until about 1 a.m. Friday night/Saturday morning and he left around 1 p.m. today :( I did get to see him almost all day Saturday, which was awesome! :) We went to his cousin's wedding and I ended up getting carried away with myself. I was fine until we got to Mousey's and then I don't know what happened. I just want to say I'm so sorry, Daniel, from the bottom of my heart. It wasn't fair what I put you through, and I'm so thankful you stuck around to take care of me. I'm telling you, this boy is amazing. If I would have been treated like the way I treated him, I would have been like fuck you, it's over. But no, this freakin' sweetheart not only took a verbal and physical beating from me, but he also carried my fat ass up the stairs and tucked me away for the night. I was the most difficult person last night, and I am so sorry. Words won't take away what I did, but I just want you to know that how you handled the situation means a lot to me, and it really does show that maybe, just maybe, you care about me at least half as much as I care about you :) I love you, babe.

:o)

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 07:39:15 GMT

So it's 3:30am and I really need to be in bed. It's amazing how a 1/2 hour nap can really recharge your energy! As far as my last post, Dan was right ... as usual! :o) I talked with Dan's family and though things aren't perfect, things went really, really well. I missed them so much, and it was nice being around them, even if it was talking to all of them about some really shitty things. I think we're on the right track to a full recovery.

Things with Dan are going great, at least from my perspective (correct me if I'm wrong :o) babe!) I miss him horribly, but I better get used to it I guess. I'm just so proud of him, and I really think that things are going to work out even better than ever before. And things were really good in the Davidsville apartment days, so I'm willing to push for something even better :o) I'm so freakin' head over heels; it's almost like we've just started dating for the first time and I get those butterflies in my stomach and I can't make it through a minute of the day without thinking of him. And I refuse to lose this feeling! :o)

I'm going to attempt to get some shut-eye. Good night all!

on and on ...

Wed, 09 May 2007 03:25:26 GMT

So my head is killing me. Bawling on the phone for what seems like an eternity doesn't really help much. I've just been making myself so sick over this whole situation with Dan. Let me rephrase that; This whole situation with Dan's family. I feel like I'm about to go on trial in front of a group of accusing faces. I don't want to be afraid. I want to be strong, and do what I know is right for us. It's just that I've never been very good at facing my fears, and I hate thinking that in the back of my mind, I'll never have the relationship with them that I had before. I considered them my extended family, and now ... well, I just don't think they're going to accept me back into the family. I'm trying not to be pessimistic, but I don't want to get my hopes up and have my heart shattered either. Dan says to give it time and everything will work out. God, I hope so.

i feel so motivated!

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:44:57 GMT

So tonight I have a killer migraine (and staring at a computer screen is making it oh, so much better!) ... and I've decided to quit smoking. It only provokes my migraines and quite honestly, I don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore. I want to be more active, and smoking is going to limit me from doing what I want to do. I want to change my life sooooo that means ... less smoking, less pigging out, less spending money, more exercise, more reading, more me time, more family time, etc. etc. I'm also toying around with the idea of quitting UndercoverWear. I'm sick of the pressure of constantly having bookings, and I'm sick of not being allowed to enjoy my weekend away from work. They told me there were no minimum parties needed so why are they hounding the fuck out of me all the time? So we'll see how that all goes. Things with Dan and I are going great. We've been talking a lot lately and I'm just very pleased with the direction things seem to be going. We've been getting along and having good conversation and well ... everything in my world just seems right for the moment. And I like that. A lot <3.

:o)

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 10:21:03 GMT

So things are going awesome right now for me. I'm keeping myself really busy lately. It's nice not to sit around and dwell on things that there's no use worrying about. This whole week is booked solid with shit I have to do, and I kinda like it that way. Dan and I have been talking a lot lately, which I'm really loving. He's been so optimistic lately about things in his life, so it's hard for me not to be happy too. I think this is the first time in a long while that he has been satisfied with his decisions and where he's heading ... and I think that's great. I miss him terribly and I can't wait to see him in May, hopefully! :o) Well, off to work I go.

good morning starshine ...

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 09:11:51 GMT

So It's 5am and I'm already ready for work, which starts at 6am. Soooo ... here I am! I'm extremely awake for being up so early, and I'm loving it. I got excellent sleep last night; it could be because right before bed I went on a nice little walk around the neighborhood with my trusty cell phone glued to my ear. Sometimes it's nice to have a distraction when you're walking past weird people. Like, should I say hello? Should I ignore them? Should I run like hell away from them? Well, I guess it all depends on who you approach :o) and here in Windber, the third option is most probably your best bet.

So Dan and I have been talking a lot lately on the phone. It's so nice to have that luxury and not have to communicate through snail mail. It's sickening how much I care for that boy :o) but I do and there is no denying it. I'm hoping that things keep going well like they've been. I just can't wait to actually see him again! I keep telling myself that May will be here before I know it, but come on now ... let's get on with it, April! In all actuality, April has gone by quickly, just not quickly enough for moi. Well, I'm going to make myself lunch. Bon matin.

P.S. Yes, I busted out three french words. I have no idea what's wrong with me. :o)

P.P.S. Forgot to mention that today I'm going to try not smoke at all at work ... wish me luck ... I'll need it! :o(

and once again ...

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 23:26:53 GMT

I had to call off work today because of a migraine. I've had it for the past three fucking days. There is nothing more boring than sitting around all day long in this piece of shit house. As if you can't tell, I'm in a pretty foul mood. I should have just went to work and dealt with it. I've had to call off three times already I believe this year for migraines, and i'm sure they're getting sick of it. Blah, oh well. I'm going to lounge around some more in my superhero mask (aka, one of those eye masks that you freeze and use as an ice pack type of thing). Peace.

blah

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 08:42:56 GMT

So i've come to terms with being an alcoholic ... I get off work, come home, and drink. That's been the routine for the past 4+ months. Every night. Right now, as I speak, I am drunk. I hate what I've become, but it's my crutch. It doesn't make me feel better at all ... more or less, it makes me think of what a horrible person I am and reminds me of all the horrible things I've done. I talked to Dan tonight. Well, not talked, more or less I just cried. I care about him so much, and I regret October and onward more than anything. I feel guilty for the things I've done and I can't help but imagine how life would be if I wouldn't have fucked everything up. It reminds me of a "the fray" song. The song is about wanting something that isn't there. Things weren't perfect ... but what is? I was wanting something that is ficticious. Couples fight and have problems. If they didn't ... then that would just be strange. I wanted something that I couldn't obtain ... mainly because it doesn't exist; Perfection. And NOW, I regret it more than anything ... but things aren't so easy now. We had such a great relationship looking back on things now. I loved every bit of him. His laugh. His way with words. His love for music. His love for knowledge. His big lips that fit perfectly with my big lips and made every kiss amazing. His ability to hold me and make me feel like everything was right in the world. His dreams for us. And all of that is gone right now. I just hope that one day everything will be mended and things will be like they should. God, I love him. And I've fucked everything up completely.

who's to say what the hell is going on ...

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 19:44:32 GMT

Right now, I'm as confused as all hell. I know what I want in my heart, but my brain is telling me I'm acting like a damn fool and being stupid as all hell. I hope that in the next few months I figure out exactly what I want. I feel that there's going to be some definite changes in my life, and it's hard to think that I may have to write someone out of my life forever. I guess it all depends on how everything goes ...

blah

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 02:15:59 GMT

So amazingly enough, I feel like shit today. Amy's party kicked my ass, and I don't even think I had a super excessive amount of alcohol. It's 9:15pm and all I've done all day is sleep. You'd think I'd be feeling a little bit better by now, but no. I'm hoping I don't feel like this for work in the morning, that is, if I can even fall back to sleep tonight :o) Oh well, I'm not too worried about it. It was definitely worth it and definitely a damn good time. :o)

extra, extra, read all about it ...

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 04:12:43 GMT

So apparently I may be a lingerie and "toy" salesperson now ... so if anyone or anyone you know of is interested in having a party, hit me up! I don't know how I get myself talked into these things. Although I guess it's better than selling food or kitchen utensils or some shit. I blame it all on my mother ... she apparently thinks I'm a freak and can relate to the products? Ha Whatever dudes, I'm heading off to bed.

off the wall ...

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 00:40:12 GMT

50 Off The Wall Questions

1. What Curse Word Do You Use The Most?
fuck or anything that begins with fuck.

2. Do You Own An Ipod?
no, I wouldn't know how to work it.

3. What Person On Your Top 8 Do You Talk To The most
probably my family and co-workers ... gotta show em love.

4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
7:00am fake time

5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
who doesnt?

6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Well, up until it's snowing pretty much.

7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
take

8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
Love, Actually

9. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?
Yes ... the majority of my friends are twice my age :o)

10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
Yes, mainly my family.

11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
I wish. Does Nyquil count?

12. What Cd Is Currently In Your Cd Player?
the used

13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?
chocolate if I have to drink it.

14. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
Maybe.

15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
A couple months ago ... I can't afford that shit.

16. Can You Whistle?
Yes.

17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
No, but my parents do.

18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
Yes, I know for a fact.

19. Did You Watch Cartoons When You Were A Kid?
Who didn't?

20. What are your favorite movies?
Boondock Saints, Closer, Love Actually

21. Have You Ever Done The Dirty In A Field?
No ...

22. Is There Anything Wrong With Girls Kissing Girls?
Naaa

23. Do You Own Any Band T-Shirts?
No ... wait, yes. Queen.

24. What Is Your Favorite Salad Dressing?
Ranch

25. Is Anyone In Love With You?
Doubtful.

26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Well, technically no. I'm hoping if I leave them in the sink long enough, they'll do themselves.

27. Ever Cry In Public?
Yes unfortunately.

28. Are You On A Desktop Computer Or A Lap Top?
Laptop

29. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoo?
Tattoo one day.

30. What’s The Weather Like?
Fucking snow.

31. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
Why not?

32. What Did You Do Before This?
Supervised my brother assembling my desk.

33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
It's been awhile.

34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Like 12

35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
Sometimes.

36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
Usually.

37. Do You Pay Attention To The Nutrition Info on the Box?
Most usually.

38. Do You Use Sarcasm?
All the time.

39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
Yes.

40. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?
Very.

41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
No.

42. Have You Ever Gotten Beat Up?
Yes, by my brother.

43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Opposite.

44. Do You Like Mustard?
Sometimes.

45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach Or Back?
Stomach and side

46. Do You Watch The news?
I try not to.

47. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
Can't think of any.

48. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?
People in general.

49. Do you like anybody?
Yes.

50. What Is The Last Thing You Purchased?
Cigarettes.

Yet another survey

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 21:31:03 GMT

[A]- AVAILABLE: yes and no.

[B]- BIRTHDAY: June 15th.

[C] - CRUSHING?: Not the term I'd use.

[D] - DRINK YOU LAST HAD? Diet Tea.

[E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Kate.

[F] - FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP: I'm getting back into BFF.

[G] - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: This is a toughy. I like the plain gummy bears, but sour gummy worms.

[H]- HOMETOWN: Johnstown.

[I]- INSTRUMENT: None. I suck.

[J] - JUGGLE: Not really.

[K] - KILLED SOMEONE: Hasn't everyone? This question is dumb.

[L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE: To South Carolina I believe.

[M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Baked apple pie from McDonalds. Milkshakes make me sick, but it's so worth it.

[N] - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3.

[O] - ONE WISH: To be happy.

[P] - PERSON WHO CALLED YOU LAST: Mom.

[R] - REASONS TO SMILE: Not too many.

[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Who wants to live forever.

[T]WHAT TIME YOU WOKE UP: 1:30.

[U] - UNDERWEAR: Pink.

[V]- VEGETABLE(S): Brussel sprouts.

[W]- WORST HABIT: Smoking and overeating.

[X] - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: none.

[Y]- FAVORITE ANIMAL: Cat.

[Z]- ZODIAC SIGN: Gemini.

i'm "stupider"

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 05:39:21 GMT

I did it again. I slept from 5pm to about 11 ... whenever I realize that my cats had pissed in the bed again. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do with them, but they have to go. They're locked out of the bedroom right now, but I'm thinking of locking them in the basement until I find them a home. Anywho, now its after midnight and I have to go back to work in the morning. Yes, a Saturday morning ... blah.

Anywho, the whole point of this is that if you know of *anyone* who wants a cute little bitch of a cat or two, let me know. I honestly think they hate me and want to find a new owner.

i'm stupid

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:35:28 GMT

so i decided to take a nap at 6 whenever I got home and now ... it's 10:30 and I'm wide awake. This should make for an interesting Friday morning at work. I'm kind of hungry for dinner now, but actually getting out of bed will surely seal the deal for never going back to bed. I wish I had someone to bring me food to my bedroom :o) That would be too awesome. Like maybe I could get some dude in a loincloth to bring me food and fan me off with a big palm leaf while I'm eating. Any takers? ha ... I have such an overactive imagination. Well, I suppose I'll TRY to get back to sleep.

lyrics b/c I don't really have much to say ...

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 03:24:02 GMT

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to
The one thing that I know I
Should have done

...

I want to love you madly

just my luck.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 09:32:27 GMT

So yesterday we went on a bus trip to Wheeling. After spending all of my alotted money and then some, I felt like total shit b/c well, I'm broke now. So as we get back to Johnstown it's fucking shitty, snow everywhere. So I pick up my Jeep from my parents and surely enough my window is froze shut which = no smoking while driving in treacherous snow which = me freaking out. So I get home finally and ... smoke a cigarette. Then I go to lay down only to realize that one of my cats has pissed on my comforter, throw and sheets. Now I'm fucking pissed b/c it's 11pm and I have to be up at 4am. Sooooo, I throw all the shit in the washer and toward the end of the cycle the washer is making horrible sounds and shaking the whole house. Soooo once it quits making the scary noises I wander downstairs and see that the blankets and such are still soaked to the point that I have to run another spin cycle on them and that there is water leaking from the bottom of the washer. Well, whatever, I finally get to put them in the dryer and decide that if I wait for them to be dry, I might as well not even go to bed. So instead, I decided that bundling up and sleeping without a blanket would be more effective. So that's what I did and it was very awkward b/c i couldn't sleep where the pee was ... even though I cleaned it up ... mentally it just didnt seem right to lay in the pee spot which is in the middle of the mattress ... so I slept longways across the bed. :sigh: It gets worse. This morning I wake up only to realize that I have no hot water. So here I am, hauling boiling pots of hot water upstairs to take a semi cold bath instead of an ice cold bath. I don't even want to know if today gets worse bc honestly, I dont think I can handle anymore.

i need a shovel ...

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 22:00:12 GMT

I bet my mail deliverer is getting pretty pissed off at me by now. I should probably stop at Wal-Mart tonight on my way home and invest in a shovel. It's snowing like a beast outside and I must say, I'm pretty nervous to drive to work tonight. I'd be fine if it weren't for the constant assholes riding my ass. Anymore, I just crank up some tunes and rock out going my 35 mph on 160 and say, kiss my ass mother fo's! I live such an interesting life. In other news, work sucks and I'm getting really sick and tired of the drama ... especially when I'm being dragged into it. And the thing is ... it's these like 50 year old women. You'd expect this petty bullshit from someone my age, not a near senior fucking citizen. :sigh: I love work.

the things you find amusing at 5:30 in the morning ...

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 10:17:52 GMT

stupid valentine's survey ... how depressing!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 08:29:14 GMT

VALENTINES SURVEY

1. Do you like anyone?: Yes
2. Do they know it?: I believe so

IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU. . .

4. Had someone buy you something?: Yes
5. Bought something?: yes
6. Gotten sick?: YESSSS
7. Been hugged?: yes
8. Felt stupid?: it's an every day occurance
9. talked to an ex?: yes
10. Missed someone: YES
11. Failed a test: lol yes for work :sigh:
12. Ate cereal: no ...
13. Danced crazy: lol always
14. Gotten your hair cut?: nope
15. Lied?: nothing major

HAVE YOU EVER. . .

23. Said "I Love you" and meant it?: yes
24. Given money to a homeless person?: nope
26. Waited all night for a phone call that never came?: yes unfortunately
27. Snuck out?: never had to
28. Sat and looked at the stars?: yes
29. Do you swear?: too much
30. Do you spit?: i used to a lot but i've cut down
31. You cook your own food?: yes
32. You do your own chores?: yes ... Zoey and Zelda definitely need to pick up the slack!!
33. You like beef jerky?: Yes
34. You like pepsi or coke?: Pepsi ... duh
35. You're happy with your hair?: sometimes
36. You own a dog?: No
37. You spend your money wisely?: i try
38. Do you like to swim?: yes ... but unfortunately i havent found a wet suit which = no swimming
39. Get bored when you call a friend?: Sometimes

DO YOU PREFER

41. flowers or angels?: thats a strange question ... flowers i guess
42. gray or black?: black
43. Color or black and white photos?: black and white
44. lust or love?: Love
45. sunrise or sunset?: sunset
46. M&Ms or Skittles?: Skittles

RANDOM

1. Do you believe in love at first sight?: kind of. how about love at second sight?
2. What about true love: yes
3. Would you kiss on the first date?: probably not
4. Do you look for hook ups?: no
5. Do you enjoy receiving flowers?: yes and no ... i just wish they wouldnt die
6. Do you enjoy gifts from your girl/guy?: If i had a guy, i surely would

VALENTINES QUESTIONS !!

1. You have a valentine planned out to have?: ... fuck you. haha
2. Do you like having a valentine?: yes
3. Does someone like you currently?: maybe
4. Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday?: no, i'll probably get shitfaced and mourn lol
5. Whats the best gift to receive on the day?: love
6. Is a little kiss during school on valentines day sweet?: When i was in school it was...
7. Why is this an important holiday to couples?: who said it is? I just think it's great to have a holiday dedicated to love ... but remember, love should be celebrated on a daily basis, not just one day of the year! :o)

he's gone away.

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 04:12:53 GMT

Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever
When love must die?

fucking hell.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 07:44:39 GMT

this week has been hard. so many emotions. Dan is leaving on Monday for bootcamp and honestly, it's tearing me apart. i'm used to having him around to talk to (and argue with); he knows me best and can talk sense into me when i'm feeling crazy. now i won't have that. i know that he needs to do what he needs to do. after all we've been through, i really feel like a knife has been shoved into my heart, twisting as every day comes and goes creeping closer to his departure. i'll miss you Daniel, more than you'll ever know.

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 03:40:22 GMT

i'm falling into "a rut" again. not sure why. its just the way it is. fuck it.

to sum it all up ...

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 08:38:18 GMT

i am just totally, utterly confused right now. End of story.

long december

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 21:30:59 GMT

i don't even know exactly how to explain the feelings that are rushing through me lately. Anger. Loneliness. Disgust. Hatred. I have such a desire to being cared for, to be wanted ... and yet, the desire to be alone, to be cold for the rest of my life. I'm so unsure of where my life will go. I feel like I've come to a complete standstill.